Funny Things Kids Say on Christmas

Chosen AOL's Christianity Online (CO) "Home Site of the Week" May 13, 2000

'A merry heart doeth good as a medicine.' (Prov. 17:22)

'Out of the Mouths of Babes' (Psalms 8:2)
Cute Things Kids Say ... and Parents Never Will Forget!

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E very parent has been there: the embarrassing moment, when you wish you could just disappear.
When your child knocks over the Kotex™ napkin display and, mistaking the product
for dinner napkins, announces to the entire store, 'Mom, we need napkins, right?'
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The Wright Invention When Sara was 9, she prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for inventing the Wright Brothers so we could fly to Washington to see Granny for Christmas." -- Michael Huggins, Tennessee Mind Your Matters The other day my daughter and I were listening to a tape as we were riding down the road. A song came on, and as it was playing," If you don't mind, it won't matter," my daughter said, "Oh yes it does matter! If you don't mind, you'll get in trouble!" -- Rebecca Hall, Hueytown, AL 'The Three Wise Guys' It was Christmas time, and my son, 6, was learning the story of the Nativity. Who came to visit the baby Jesus in the manger? the teacher asked his Sunday School class. "The three wise guys," my son blurted out. (I always wondered, Was he thinking of the Three Stooges?) -- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis. The Sing-along Mail Guy My 4-year-old son was up in a tree in our backyard one summer afternoon. From his vantage point, he could see over the fence and onto the road that ran beside our home. After a few minutes, I heard the jingle of the ice cream truck making his rounds for the first time that summer. I braced myself for my son to come running in for some change, but what he came running in for sent me to the floor with laughter. "Mom, mom!" he screamed. "It's the sing-along mail guy!" It then occurred to me that he had no recollection of ever seeing an ice cream truck before, but he was very familiar with the comparable little white mail truck! --Rebecca Cleary, Kingsland, GA Childproof Cap When my daughter, Brittany, was 4 or 5, she was having some "growing pains" in her legs and needed to take some Tylenol™. She had the bottle and was trying in vain to get it open while I changed her baby sister's diaper. I saw her frustration and explained that it was a childproof cap and I would have to open it when I finished. Eyes wide with wonder, Brittany asked, "How does it know it's me?" -- Barbie Buntz 'That Big Bug' My brother's neighbor had brought home a fresh lobster, but my visiting 4-year-old niece, Kasey, wanted nothing to do with it. Later, as they were enjoying their supper, my appalled niece asked, "Why do you have to eat that big bug?" -- Melanie Cummings Baby Burp When my son was 2 years old, one day he passed a little gas, and immediately commented, "ooops....my hiney burped!" -- Marsha Clark, Douglasville, Ga. Spiritual Spaghettios™: It was a somber moment at prayer meeting. A woman had just requested prayer for a member recently diagnosed with a serious disease. "Oh oh!" someone nearby said, aloud. "Spaghettios!" my son sang out in a shrill voice. "O, O, Spaghettios!" Still a babe, he obviously already had observed too many commercials. -- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis. 'I will not leave you orphans' My daughter's kindergarten class was taking a field trip to a large, old theater called the Orpheum. After they had been there a while, Sara asked, "Where are all the kids with no moms and dads?" -- Michael Huggins Lots For Sale: Our family was on a long road trip, and my little sister, an avid reader, seemed intrigued by the signs as we drove through each new town. After a long period of silence, Paula asked my parents: "So many of these sign say 'Lots For Sale.' How in the world do they expect anybody to buy what ever they're selling? 'Lots of what?'" -- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis. The Parsley Vice President: Green was the first color my 1-year-old learned, and for awhile, during every trip in the car, he pointed to every bush and every tree with a shout of excitement: "Bush! bush!" Bush was vice president at the time, so my sister thought it would be cute to train him (obviously by rote; he was still in diapers!) to answer "bush!" to certain prepared questions (none of which, at his age, he could understand). Strangers everywhere were amazed at his 'genius' when they observed this babe in arms accurately answer the question "Who's the vice president of the United States?" with his rote response: "Bush." The clincher came one day, however, as the waitress in a restaurant set down the plate on his highchair tray. "Bush! Bush! BUSH!" he shouted loudly, startling every table around us. Puzzled, we wondered what precipitated his response? No bushes were in the building. Then we realized his gaze was directed at the parsley on his plate! He just couldn't understand why in the world a "bush" was on his plate next to his food! -- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis.

Who Scratched the Sky? My 2-year-old watched out the window as I was driving. Suddenly he got very upset, saying "Oh, they are really gonna get now! Oh, are they ever gonna get it now!" Seeing nothing remarkable happening outside, I asked my son, "Who's gonna get it? What did they do?" Then, with all the seriousness of a 2-year-old, and pointing to the stream of vapor behind a plane in the sky, he explained, "The guy driving that plane up there! Look at that! He scratched the sky, everywhere he goes -- and is God gonna ever be mad!" -- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis. Grow-a-Burger My 3-year-old was sitting in the middle seat of our van as we ran errands one morning. "Mom, can we plant this when we get home, and grow some hamburgers?" I turned to see what had prompted such an unusual question, and saw in his tiny little outstretched hand, one single sesame seed! --Rebecca Cleary, Kingsland, GA Do Unto Others My children, Blake and Cindi, in grade school, were running 'round and 'round the house. Blake's long legs taking him on a gallop of about 4 feet per stride, with Cindi chasing him, half a dozen strides to each one of his, scowling and screeching at him. I called them in, sat them down on the couch and proceeded to lecture them. The lecture started out with the standard Love-Thy-Sibling chapter and was ending with the Do-Unto-Others- As-You-Would- Have-Them-Do- Unto-You summation, when Cindi exclaimed: "But Mother! He already did-it-unto me!" -- Rose Mary Allmendinger, Colorado Springs, Colo. A long way off When Sara was 6, her new puppy became seriously ill, and the vet didn't know if he could save it. I felt very bad for Sara, because this was her first pet and it had been a Christmas gift, so I said to her, "Don't worry, precious; just remember, if Fluffy dies, we'll see her in heaven." Sara looked at me as if I were simple-minded and said, "Well, yes, Daddy, but heaven's a long way off for me -- I'm only six!" -- Michael Huggins Lion of Judah, King of Kings My sister, who home schools, had been working with Bowin on learning the books of the Bible. Colton, 2, was in bed already, supposedly asleep. Bowin was reciting the books of the Bible for his father when he got stuck. Suddenly, this small voice came from the back bedroom: "First Lion King, Second Lion King..." -- Jenny Evans, Nashville, Tenn. ~~~~~~~~~~. SHARE-A-STORY Share a story or cute comment about your child, sibling, niece, nephew, grandchild. Full credit will be given. Stories must be original to the individual submitting. (No plagiarism.) Stories may be edited for space considerations. ~~~~~~~~~~. Smart Answer My brother was placed in the remedial reading class in second grade. When my mom asked him how school was going one day, David replied, "I'm the smartest of the dumbest." -- Diane Dew, Milwaukee, Wis. As we were riding down the road one day, my 5-year-old said, "Mom, stop! Stop!" I asked her why. She said, "You passed that sign." I was wondering what she was talking about, so I asked her what the sign said. She replied, "It said, Do Not Pass!" -- HallRSH@ aol.com

Different Customs When I serve ice cream, I put it in the microwave for about 20 seconds to soften before scooping it out. My grandson, Alex, was visiting from Michigan. When I went to get him some ice cream, he saw me placing the carton in the microwave. He said, "Wait, Grandma, Wait!! In Michigan we eat our ice cream frozen!!" -- Linda Burkett, Friendswood, Tx The Missing Beard My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No" with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said "I didn't take it!" -- Karen and Rich S., N.J. Just Shine It My niece, Sara, called my parents in Alabama, who had no electricity because of a winter storm. The weather hadn't been bad at Sara's house, in Mississippi. The first thing she always asks my mom is, "Whatcha doin' Grandma?" Mama said, "Sitting here in the dark. What are you doing?" Sara answered, "Watching TV. Why aren't you watching TV?" My mom replied, "Because our lights are out." With logic only a 4-year-old has, Sara asked, "Do you have a flashlight? Just shine it on the TV; then you can see it." I think my dad literally rolled on the floor laughing when my mom told him what Sara said. He told everyone he saw for the next six months. --Mary E. Park, Vinemont, Ala. Show it to me When my daughter is trying to remember something, she says, "My head is trying to show it to me." -- Jim Gore First Prayer We were having family prayers one day and all of a sudden for the first time ever at such times, our then-3-year-old son piped up, "And dear Jesus, we pray for Superman, because he is a superhero but needs your help against all the baddies, Amen." I like to think that our dear Lord was smiling at our little man's first prayer. -- Meg Nicol, Peterborough, UK

Please Stand By In the earlier days of television, before technology got sophisticated, network interruptions were more common. One day, when the black-and-white circular 'bulls-eye' symbol appeared on the screen with the words "Please Stand By," my little sister went and stood by the TV set. After awhile, a family member asked what she was doing. A new reader, she proudly replied, "Following instructions. It said to please stand by it." -- Diane Dew, Milwaukee, Wis. Advertised I'm a kindergarten teacher and have a 5-year-old niece. During the church service when I was baptized, my 5-year-old niece was getting very impatient. "When is Aunt Mary gonna get advertised?" she asked. I wasn't sitting with my family, so I didn't hear the story until later. It quickly spread around our small church that I had been "advertised."--Mary E, Park, Vinemont, Ala. Excuse me? Mark, 6, was talking about his friends. I told him, "I'm really happy that you have such nice friends as Garrison and Ben." Mark hesitated and said, "Well, I don't know about Ben." I said, "Why what's wrong? Ben seems like a nice boy. I thought you liked him." Mark said, "Ben doesn't say 'excuse me' after he burps." -- Michael Huggins, Tennessee Just Write a Check My little boy always seemed to have a solution for everything. I often wished I could step inside his simple world for a day. One day, when he wanted me to buy him a toy, I tried to explain that I didn't have any money. "Well, just write a check," he said excitedly, thinking he had solved an adult dilemma. I don't remember how I got around explaining the banking industry to him. We probably just went to Salvation Army. --Diane Dew, Milw., Wis.

"Children are a blessing of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward..." Psalm 127:3

A Terrible Place!
When Sara was 2 years old, I read her the first 100 lines of Milton's "Paradise Lost," just to see what response, if any, she would have. She quickly picked up on the phrase, "fiery gulf," Milton's poetic figure for Hell, and asked me what it meant. I said, "Well, the fiery gulf is a terrible place. It's where the devil lives, and we don't ever want to go there." Several weeks later, at the dinner table, Sara's mother mentioned to me that our pastor had played 18 holes of golf that day. Sara's eyes grew wide and said, "Daddy! Golf is a terrible place!"
-- Michael Huggins

Your what?
Chad, 2, was sitting on his Grandma's lap at the steering wheel of the car pretending he was driving. "Where would you like to go, Grandma?" He asked. She replied, "Miami." He, in turn, asked, "Where is Yourami?" -- Clo DiPilato, Va.

A toast!
My son was 4 years old when my daughter was born. At the hospital, before taking him home, my husband said to him, "When we get home we're gonna have a toast." My son's reply was, "Okay, Daddy, but I want butter on mine." -- sbenhesde@ aol.com

Alpha-confused
My sister was a first grader as she sat at the dining room table very solemnly and quietly practicing writing her letters. She seemed to be doing just fine, but then we realized she was having some trouble when she looked up at my Dad, and very seriously asked, "How do I make an 'elameno'?" (LMNO)? -- Clo DiPilato, Va.

'Shut-up Dogs'
One night I was babysitting my two grandchildren. We were out running errands and we decided to grab a bite to eat at home. Of course they wanted McDonalds which I don't care for, so I also stopped at a fish place to pick me up a dinner. When we sat down to eat, the kids asked "what are those round things Nanna?" I said they are called "Hush Puppies". So I gave them the hush puppies to eat from my meal. Later, when their mom arrived home, Cody ran to meet mom. She asked him what they had been doing. His response was " We ate McDonalds and "Shut Up Dogs!" LYONSJANICE@ aol.com

My friend's family was making a long distance road trip. Her younger sister had an impressive rock collection. You can imagine her excitement when she saw a sign that said, "Sidewalk Sale." She piped up and said, "Stop the car, Daddy, I want to buy a piece of sidewalk for my rock collection." -- Clo DiPilato, Va.

Get the picture? One day my five year old informed me that she didn't have to go to school to learn, because she could remember everything by talking a picture. She said she had a camera in her head she takes pictures with it to help her remember things. So I asked, "Then how is it you always seem to forget about picking up your toys?" She replied, "Sometimes I forget to put film in it." -- Vicky Barrons

Making Clouds
My husband works for a steel mill and my girlfriend and her four yr. old were driving by and she told her that Josh's daddy works there." She asked what they did there and my friend said "make steel." Well, she then said, "look at the smoke coming out of the chimney." My girlfriend just said that was neat. But then came a sound of surprise and the little girl said-"I know what Josh's daddy does-he makes clouds!!!!" -- Monika Remender, Ladoga, Indiana

No feed the zebras!
When Talita was 3, I took her on a trip to Texas to visit her grandparents. While there we also visited a drive-thru safari-zoo. There were several signs advising us not to feed the zebras, that they bite, etc. Back in Brazil, some months later, I was trying to teach her to read with an ABC book. She was pretty good at "reading" the alphabet and the words that had a picture illustration. The last page was Z-Zebra. A small rabbit at the bottom of the page was holding up a The-End sign. I pointed to the sign, asking, "And what does that say?" She quickly replied, "No feed the zebras!" -- Holly Lykins, Missionary in Brazil

Trash the money?
One day my mom had her grandson in church. During the collection my mom gave Jamie some money to put in the 'BASKET" as she called it. Jamie looked at her with eyes wide and exclaimed "In the garbage, Grandma?" -- PATBA2000@ aol.com

A Toy What?
My nephew Alan who was 3 at the time, was being driven by his mother to pre-school. In front of them drove a Toyota and Alan just starting to make out the letters said "Look mommy an 'A' for Alan." "Yes" said mommy feeling really proud "it says 'Toy-o-ta'." Alan sat thinking for a while and then piped up "Mommy do you think they will keep it until it is a real ota?" -- Cathy van Vollenstee, South Africa

'The Foot Dad'
When my daughter remarried she explained to her son Cody that her new husband was not his real dad, but his step dad. Cody's friend Kyle came over to play and Cody said, "Kyle, I have something very important to tell you. Dennis is not my real dad. Instead he's my "foot dad." -- LYONSJANICE@ aol.com

Bed Time
One evening my then 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter wanted my mother to sit down on her toddler bed with her. My mother, being a little heavy, told her, "Baby, I don't think the bed will hold me." My daughter thought about this for a second and looked up at my mother and in all seriousness said to her, "Silly, the bed does not have arms." We still laugh so hard about that to this day and she is almost 5. -- Aimee Spillers

Chicken dirt
When my son was 2 1/2, my husband and I both had a terrible case of the flu. We could hardly get out of bed, so my little tot had pretty much free roam of the house, which was baby proofed! He ran into the bedroom and I opened my eyes to find him covered with white powder. "Honey, what did you get into?" I asked. He replied in his cute little-boy voice, "I got into the fried chicken dirt!" He batted his beautiful eyelashes the white powder covered. I followed his lead into the kitchen. One glance at the floor and the puzzle was solved. He had opened the pantry and discovered my Pillsbury™ All Purpose Flour!-- Kay Rutledge

Her Wit's End
Walking home from kindergarten, my daughter, Rachel age 4, was filling me in on her day. The highlight being a special treat - a cupcake from a birthday party. Rachel went into full detail about the pink frosting and lovely sprinkles. She saved it in her lunch box so she could show me when we got home. Just then, I noticed from the window on top of the jogging stroller my three-year-old devouring the cupcake paper and all. I interrupted Rachel, asking her to stay calm. Immediately, Rachel tore open the Velcro cover to the stroller and started to shake. Through gritted teeth she stated, "I'm trying to keep my wits about me." To which her sister responded, "I liked the sprinkles the best." Rachel then punched her, obviously past her wits end. -- Jenna Richter Guam, U.S.A.

Relish the Thought
While we were walking my children would lag behind. In frustration, I yelled, "Catch up!" They yelled back, "Mustard" and would run up to us. -- Ted Wilder

Where the Sun Goes
I was pulling weeds in the front yard, when I noticed Brandon, 4, had both of his little hands on his face, his eyes tightly closed. He was moving his head about, as if pretending to look all around, but eyes still tightly closed and covered. "What is it, Precious?" I asked. He turned his little face up to me, without removing his hands from his eyes, and asked, "Mommy? Where does the sun go when I close my eyes?" I replied, "Well, sweetie, the sun is still there, even though you cannot see it. It never goes away!" It reminded me of my own life somehow. When I am in a trial or wilderness, the light seems nowhere to be found and seems like I walk in darkness. God sometimes hides the sunshine to test our faith. We must remain steadfast, knowing He is still there, even though the light may be hidden for a brief moment. Just as surely as the sun faithfully rises every day, and even though it may be hidden by clouds, so His presence may be hidden. Praise His name for His faithfulness! -- Kay Rutledge

Picnic in the park
At our annual family picnic, my nephew found a salamander in the creek and, quite proud of his catch, brought it over to the adults setting up lunch. After we all ooo'd and ah'd about his finding, by brother-in-law told him it was time to eat and to go put the salamander back where he had found it. My nephew said he wanted to keep it as a pet. They went back and forth about this for several minutes, when my brother-in-law said, "How would you feel if someone snatched you out of your home and took you away? This salamander needs to go back to his home." Dan looked at his dad, perplexed, then looked at that salamander down in the cup he was holding, then looked back at his dad. He then replied (in his you-can't-be-serious voice), "Dad, are you trying to tell me this little salamander could pick me up and carry me back to his home? I don't think so!" -- Jenny Evans, Nashville, Tenn.

Pony to Lawnmower
We had purchased quite a few acres of land and needed a riding mower to keep it cleared. My husband told the grandchildren he'd buy them a pony. Our 5-year-old grandson, Daniel, decided it was to be only his pony, though we kept telling him it wouldn't be fair to the others. Agitated, I said to him, "What do you think the other kids will do if the pony belongs only to you?'' Without any hesitation at all, he answered, "Let them ride the lawn mower!" -- Bardoe2 @aol.com

En Route to Bethlehem
While stationed in Germany with the USAF, we didn't have a car, so we would walk, and take the Strassenban (subway system). As usual, we Americans would say, "I'm going to strass to work" -- meaning, we would take the train to work. One day while "strassing" home from church, my children were at the train stop re-enacting the Christmas story. I heard one of them say, "Let us strass into Bethlehem and see this great sight that the angel told us about..." -- Ted Wilder

Innocence, Influence and Violence
I'll never forget the day I observed, firsthand, the effects of violence and the media upon the young mind. I was in the kitchen washing dishes, and the TV was babysitting my 1-year-old in the next room. Suddenly, I heard such horrible screams of terror. I flew around the corner, fully expecting to find a truly gory scene -- a gouged-out eye, a compound fracture. Though there appeared to be no obvious sign of injury, my son could not be comforted. Had he fallen? cracked his skull? I held him tightly. With his severely limited vocabulary, my 1-year-old explained, in the best way he could, the cause of his alarm: Pointing to the TV screen -- where a car had just crashed -- and still shaking from the shock, he screamed, perhaps a dozen times: "Ouch vvrooom! ouch vvrooom!" Not many months later, of course, my son commonly could be observed (as all preschoolers) sitting through many similar episodes -- silent, unalarmed, and obviously desensitized.-- Diane Dew, Milw., Wis.

Just write a check
My 5-year-old grandson wanted something at the store. I explained to him I had spent all my money. He said, "But Grandmom, you still have all those checks in your checkbook." -- Patsy Dennis

Your Presence Here
At the close of a very touching passion play at a local church this past Easter, the pastor said a few words to the congregation. "I want to thank everyone for their presence here this evening," he said. Just then my 4-year-old tugged on my sleeve and whistpered in my ear, "But mom, we didn't bring any presents!"
--Rebecca Cleary, Kingsland, GA

God Talking?
We were in mass, it was the first time I took my son. He had just turned five. Everyone stood up, so he couldn't see what was happening up front, and the priest, who had a booming voice, began speaking into the microphone, so the sound was all around us. Just as the priest stopped his first sentence, my son opened his eyes VERY wide and turned to me, terribly excited, and asked loudly, 'IS THAT GOD TALKING, MOMMY?!?!' Everyone in the church fell silent and a little ripple of 'awwws' followed. Meeting the Priest at the door while leaving, I explained that he was the one talking. My son looked up at him and said, 'I think God is bigger than that, mommy.' The priest knelt down and explained that he wasn't God, but he helps God give messages to people. My son nodded, wide-eyed, and said, 'Next time you call him, ask him to turn your voice down, okay?' The priest chuckled and patted him on the head and said he would do just that. -- Andrea, MD

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